In 2005, Kim helped me face my narcissism. We share that story in Back From The Looking Glass – 13 Steps to a Peaceful Home
In 2019, Kim is helping me once again in ways I did not ever expect.
I have only recently been diagnosed with a fairly serious heart condition, the symptoms of which have put a lot of stress on my family over the last year or so.
Irritability has been one of the symptoms. My family have been putting up with me being hard to talk to for a long time now.
The stress of my current job has been partly responsible. My inability to handle the stress has been transferred into a great deal of unpleasantness my family have had to suffer. My poor health was causing me various problems, but rather than taking direct action, I decided it easier to blame Kim and the kids.
Another symptom has been extreme fatigue. I have no idea how Kim has been able to tolerate me over the many conversations we’ve had recently where I simply fall asleep.
It’s clear to me now that my family have been dealing with my sickness more than I have.
The unfortunate mix of poor health and unhealthy work conditions has created a situation where over and over again I have put my family last.
This week, I have committed to rectify this. I have clearly seen the hurt I have inflicted on myself but more importantly, I am now aware that my family has suffered greatly from my insistence that my career should be our family’s biggest priority. This is one of the toughest paths I have ever faced.
Codependence in the workplace has become a new normal for me. I work for a couple of narcissistic types that leave me little room to be anything but a codependent serf in their fiefdom. In an attempt to build my own professional career I have solidified a whole range of unhelpful and unsustainable habits that have hurt my family in several ways. We no longer take holidays together, I decree my daily work commitments as non-negotiable, I am reluctant to allow others to ease my workload, I am stressed and take it out on my family, I have stopped planning social or fun lifestyle events.
In short, I have been pretty tough to be around.
Kim has such a big heart and the determination to help me become the husband she knows deep down I really can be for her. I love Kim and respect her, but when the obsession with myself recently began to dominate our home life again, it’s become crystal clear that another intervention of sorts is required for me to take better responsibility for myself.
The 2019 intervention has a few serious career, health and lifestyle changes that will require implementation and attention.
A complete restructure is required to take the burden off my family and I have asked that Kim be in charge of this.
Due to my neediness right now, Kim may not be around for a while as we begin the process.
After that I have so much I want to share and hope I can make time to offer my own experience as an example for others to compare.
I know a lot of men who put their careers first and regret it later. I do not wish to be on of those guys. I am now committed to getting better in all areas of my life.
It is time I start walking my talk.
For the past few years I have made my work the central focus of our family. In 2019 I am committing to make our work here my main focus again.
I am sorry I have taken Kim from everyone here for so long. Both of us will be back soon once I set some long overdue boundaries around my job.
It has been said that the treasure we search far and wide for was always within reach, we were simply looking in the wrong places.
It is ironic that my heart condition is said to be due to poor vagus nerve tone. The answer to the problems associated with poor vagus nerve tone was what Kim has been teaching us here all along, so I feel a little stupid.
Thanks to everyone who continues to send loving and kind comments to us. The higher levels of cooperation and understanding required now in my family will hopefully be an inspiration to your family too.
Stay cool,
Steve
This is a very honest, and heartfelt explanation of what you are going through, and shows clearly how much you care about your family. I wish you the best in getting your health back — I’m sure you have been given good nutritional and other advice to address that — and especially in resuming your place in the family. Thanks so much, as always, for sharing with such clarity and humility. Very enlightening.