The following process should be agreed upon as part of your FOH (Family Operations Manual) which you can download here if you are a member.
Following is a conflict resolution process we recommend your family to consider…
~The Cooper Family’s Conflict Resolution Process~
It should be understood that while we love each other, there will be times when we will have grievances with each other for any number of reasons. As we value our relationships and want to avoid hard feelings, it is important we have a process in place that doesn’t leave conflict resolution up to chance.
We all agree to follow this conflict resolution process and make it available for any family member to access when anyone in the family is unhappy with each other.
In this proposal (open for discussion) the aggrieved member agrees:
1. they will bring up their grievance at an appropriate time in private and do their best to allow the problem to be fully resolved
2. they will air their grievance in as direct a way as possible. Telling the other person what the problem is and how they are feeling but staying as calm as they can
3. they will not stew on things or expect the offending party to guess what they are upset about
The offending party agrees:
1. even if they believe there has been a mistake or misunderstanding and don’t understand why the person is upset with them, their first concern should be for the fact they have upset the other person (show they care)
2. to attempt to understand the situation from the aggrieved parties point of view (listen and ask questions that show they want to resolve the problem from the aggrieved parties perspective)
3. imagine the situation from the other person’s point of view until they find a new detailed level of understanding to bring to the discussion to help resolve the problem (empathy)
4. apologise only once the problem has been fully sorted out
5. only talk about their side of the story once all of the above has happened
The offending party agrees not to:
1. be defensive by arguing and/or telling the aggrieved person they are wrong
2. put off resolving the problem or act like it isn’t important or a priority
3. apologise before they have brought a new level of understanding to the issue or before the aggrieved person genuinely feels the problem has been discussed and resolved in a way that it won’t happen again
4. say things like, “Yeah I am a really terrible person aren’t I?” or in other ways be passive aggressive
5. bring up problems they have with the aggrieved person. (if they have a problem they want addressed they should bring it up themselves at another time)
6. act like the problem is the aggrieved person’s fault or like the aggrieved person doesn’t deserve consideration or respect
This process is not about being good or about being right or wrong, it is the fastest way to resolve issues and stop them escalating into fights.
It takes patience and courage to listen to people when they are upset with us, but in reality it is the fastest way to resolve the problem. Arguing or avoiding the issue will only make it drag on and upset the offended person even more than they are already.
Joe is upset with Jane because he thinks she has borrowed his t-shirt without asking.
Joe says to Jane: “I looked for my t-shirt last night and couldn’t find it, now this morning I see it’s in your room.” (Joe raises the problem)
Jane says: “Hey that must have been frustrating Joe. Were you wanting to wear it somewhere?” (Jane shows she cares and is ready to listen and consider the problem from his perspective)
Joe: “Yes I spent 30 minutes looking and then thought I had lost it which really upset me. That is my favourite t-shirt, and by the way who said it’s okay to come into my room?” (Joe tells Jane clearly what happened from his perspective)
Jane: “So you didn’t know where it was and you were really worried you might not ever find it?” (Jane shows empathy and offers a guess at what he might have been feeling to prove she has genuinely put herself in his shoes)
Joe: “Yes, at least you could have asked, it’s not like you don’t have my phone number!” (Joe makes a suggestion of what might prevent this from happening again)
Jane: “Okay I understand that must have been really upsetting, especially after it slowed you down. I am sorry it messed up your night.” (Jane shows empathy again and says she is sorry this happened to him without being defensive)
Joe: “That’s okay, I had a good time anyway. I just hope you won’t take clothes out of my room again.” (Joe calms down and accepts her apology)
Jane: “Well actually I didn’t take your t-shirt, I think mum must have washed it and mistakenly put it in my room instead of yours.” (Only now that the break in their relationship has been healed, Jane explains her side of the story)
Joe: “Really! Oh my gosh and I blamed you!” (Joe feels bad that he jumped to a wrong conclusion [which he probably never would have done if Jane had reacted defensively in the beginning])
Jane: “Yeah but that’s okay, I understand it probably really did look like I took it. I would have been angry too.” (Jane accepts that he is sorry and shows more empathy and understanding)
Joe: “Hey thanks for understanding and sorry that I blamed you.” (Their relationship is strengthened and deepened from the misunderstanding)
If Jane didn’t follow the process, the exchange may have gone more like this:
Joe says to Jane: “I looked for my t-shirt last night and couldn’t find it, now this morning I see it is in your room.” (Joe raises the problem)
Jane: “Don’t blame me, why don’t you keep better track of your clothes!” (Jane reacts defensively and makes no attempt to understand Joe’s problem)
Joe: “Are you serious! Look at your stuff all over the floor.” (Joe feels angrier at Jane now than he did when he first shared the problem he had with her and the conflict escalates)
Jane: “At least I don’t blame anyone else if I lose stuff. What were you doing in my room anyway?” (Jane continues to blame Joe without attempting to understand Joe’s problem)
Joe: “In your room? You are the one that has been in my room!” (Joe tries again to explain what he is upset about)
Jane: “As if… what would I want with your stuff that smells like dirty socks? I can’t believe you think I would even want to wear your clothes.” (Jane continues to blame Joe without attempting to understand Joe’s problem and her attacks now becoming insulting and personal)
At this point Joe and Jane are both so angry at each other, even when they finally figure out what has happened, they continue with personal attacks and hashing over grievances from the past. Mum and dad then step in and it becomes an all in family fight that goes on for days.
This example shows that even when the aggrieved person is totally mistaken about what has happened, it is still better to empathise and try and understand how the other person is feeling (and care) before arguing or telling them they are wrong.
This decision to use empathy when someone comes to you with a problem takes courage and patience, but resolving the situation in this way will always save time and hard feelings in the long run.
Jane comes to Joe and is upset about him not paying her back for money he has borrowed.
Jane: “Joe, I lent you that money last weekend and you said you would pay me back on Tuesday. It is Friday and I am still waiting.” (Jane raises the problem)
Joe says: “Oh yeah I did say that and I you know I totally forgot. Have you been waiting the last three days to bring this up with me?” (Joe shows empathy and increases his understanding of how she must be feeling, proving he has genuinely put himself in her shoes)
Jane: “Yes, it is really uncomfortable that you make me wait and then put me in a position where I have to ask you.” (Jane confirms he is on the right track and starts to feel better that she can admit she was uncomfortable about bringing up the issue)
Joe: “After you were so good about giving me a loan, I guess that must feel really lousy.” (Joe continues to show empathy)
Jane: “Yeah – I thought I was being a good sister to you and now you make things so uncomfortable.” (Jane is glad that Joe understands and is much calmer now)
Joe: “I am really sorry Jane, you are a great sister and I should treat you better than that. The problem is that I totally forgot, and now I don’t have the money I owe you. Justin is paying me back tomorrow—will that be soon enough?” (Joe only apologises when he trusts the solution he has to offer might truly resolve the problem)
Jane: “Yeah sure, just as long as I don’t have to ask again.” (Problem solved with new understanding)
Joe: “No way, I promise I will pay you back as soon as he pays me.” (commitment to act on new understanding)
If Joe didn’t follow the process, the exchange may have gone more like this:
Jane: “Joe, I lent you that money last weekend and you said you would pay me back on Tuesday. It is Friday and I am still waiting.” (Jane rasies the problem)
Joe: “You’ll get your money, stop nagging me!”
Joe leaves. (Joe is defensive, blames Jane and avoids resolving the problem)
In this example Joe ends the confrontation by cutting it short. But this doesn’t save time in the long run. Jane’s resentment burns and even though Joe does pay her back, next time he asks for something she is nasty towards him. He retaliates by judging her character negatively and the issue plays out unresolved over their entire lives, even affecting their children.
Caring and empathy are often called soft skills, but their impact on your quality of life will always be dramatic.
What to do if a family member fails to follow the process when you have a problem with them…
1. Find the point they are failing at above and remind them that they have agreed to follow this process.
2. If they will not comply, end the conversation. Say something like, “I don’t see this conversation going anywhere productive.”
3. Go and write down what happened, self soothe and get on with your day and forget about the problem for a little while.
4. When you are on better terms, ask again if they agree to the conflict resolution process. If they say no, then say it will need to be discussed again as a family. If they say yes, then present your problem again and ask that they address it with empathy.
5. If they still will not bring any new understanding to the table, suggest that you may need to raise the issue in a family meeting where other family members can support them sticking to the process.
6. If it goes to the family, other members should try not to take sides but just insist that the process is followed, giving examples if needed.
What to do if a family member fails to be honest about a problem they have with you, wanting to be allowed to blame their moods or bad behaviour on you…
1. Make it clear (in front of other family members if possible) that you will not tolerate this. Say, “If you have a problem with me, use the process and let it be resolved, otherwise I will not take responsibility for your moods or bad behaviour.”
What to do if you are scared to be honest about a problem you have with another family member…
1. Write your problem to them in a short letter saying clearly what it is and that you hope it can be resolved using the family’s conflict resolution process and that you are happy for them to choose the time and place.
2. If they ignore you or respond badly, ask another family member to support you holding them to the process.
We are in the process of developing some games you can play as a family that will help you practice empathetic responses.
The prototypes for these cards (that for now you can print yourself) are here:
To play the game pull a card and read the statement as if you are upset and stating the problem. Get your partner or family to see if they can come up with empathetic responses to the problem.
Does everyone agree that the responses they came up with are empathetic? Discuss what everyone feels.
Read the other side of the card for ideas.
Please note: Not all of the problem statements are polite or well mannered! This is to teach us that when people are upset with us it rarely helps to judge!