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Is Cheating Inevitable? Can my Marriage Survive it? Are there Ways to Prevent it?

 

Not all people suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder cheat on their partners. The chances of this will depend on a few of the following factors …

a. Does your partner think you will have the strength to leave if you caught them cheating? If so they may flirt — but be too scared to take their infidelity any further — because deep down they are terrified of being abandoned.

b. How confident are they sexually? Many people with narcissistic tendencies pretend to be a lot more sexually confident than they really are.

c. How much do they value or depend on you? If your partner no longer sees any value in your relationship, they may view cheating as a one-way ticket out.

I am going to keep this short today because I want to give you some solid advice on affairs.

Fortunately I never caught Steve cheating on me – but he was a serial flirt (of the highest order) and there were things I uncovered (back in our bad old days) that were still unbelievably painful for me. Back then, I would let his flirting cause me terrible emotional pain. First I want to help you stop reliving the terrible scenarios that might be playing through your mind about what your partner might be up to.

  1. If you are in this situation the first thing you need to do is stop obsessing but also make a firm decision to find out were they are spending their time. This might involve hiring a private detective or going through phone calls on your partners phone bill etc. but one way or another you need to find out rather than obsessing. Keeping yourself in the dark will not protect you what you need is clear and definite information.
  2. The next step is for you NOT to confront your partner with what you discover until you have calmed down and made a plan of action.
  3. Decide if you want the marriage to continue and if you feel you could ever forgive them and trust them again.

Once you have made this decision you need to either start working on strengthening the foundations of your marriage or making an exit plan before you confront your partner with what you have found. Our best seller Back From the Looking Glass has advice on both situations.

But first you may want to keep reading here . . .

Is there hope for my marriage?

 

Hang in There!

Kim Cooper

 

Kim is the author of seven books on the topic of relationships and emotional intelligence.

A prolific multi-media content innovator, Kim has created and shared a library of articles and multi-media educational tools including radio shows,
movies and poetry on 'The NC Marriage', and 'The Love Safety Net'.

This Post Has 7 Comments

  1. The answers to the 3 questions are very true. Unfortunately, I can testify all of them. I knew this somewhat, but I wish I could have read these answers long ago – it would have helped me a lot to deal with it as well as embraced myself a bit more, as these realizations were so well spelt out and to the point of what it is.

    Always your fan,
    Michael

  2. I totally agree that not all people who struggle with narcissism have affairs. As a psychotherapist, I’ve seen dozens of couples where the narcissist never had an affair. Over the years as I have encouraged women to begin setting limits with their husbands, I warn them that some narcissistic husbands will start an affair and leave for someone else who is temporarily idealizing them, but it has shocked me how rarely that has actually happened to my clients. Most of my clients have learned that their husbands’ sense of self is very tied into their love and approval for him so if they set clear boundaries and tell him what he can do to make her happy, husbands often try very hard to comply…(even though wives have to keep their expectations very low and look for baby steps….) Narcissists can be amazingly loyal to their wives and tend to build their whole worlds around them (their internal worlds) and that’s why they are so sensitive to criticism from their wives… I teach wives to state what they want, to point out the positives and then praise any positive attempts… It’s amazing to me how deeply attached the narcissist often is to his wife even though she would be the last one to know it because of how he acts until I start teaching her how to work with him…so that he can feel safer expressing his attachment…(because in his world growing up, it was very dangerous to be attached…)

    1. Two years later than when you shared them Lisa, but I needed to read these word of hope as everything else seems to point to cheating as an inevitable (I have a narcissistic husband). Newly introduced to this diagnosis for my husband, I was starting to feel like a double-victim, as from my research I’m now starting to understand why I’ve gone through the abuse my husband has put me through and our marriage has been “hell,” but then, sadly, could only conclude, until now, that it literally was only a matter of time before he has an affair, which is one of my biggest anxieties.

      I have drawn emotional lines that I don’t want him to cross at which time a tantrum happens, I ask him to apologize (gently) for how he was speaking to me and ask him to treat me as his partner, and not look at me as his enemy, another tantrum … but tonight he asked for a minute, left the room, came in and apologized, and I thanked him and told him I was so proud of him and gave him a big hug. It’s hard to set limits because of course I feel threatened and feel as though I’m driving him away, but I’m also ready, at this point to walk out the door. I was raised with narcissist rage and I cannot think about spending the rest of my life married to someone who can/does treat me the same way. But I am not willing to throw in the towel on our relationship either. He was my best friend and all I want is my best friend back!

    2. i was changing my life and seeing a life coach twice a week for two months and once a week my husband would join us. Then after a couple months I wanted him to see the dude life coach because my husband was always trying to downplay his short comings and inflate mine 210% and I wasn’t liking it. Things got a little better over time. And my husband said that he wanted to get married again and so I thought we were doing good. It was a good sign. And both were working on it. Summer time came quickly that year it seemed. Too fast. Time seemed to be in fast forward. We went to Mexico on vacation and it was with friends ( we had our own condo in their time share) and the husbands went first and we the wives joined them three days later. I was told a golf tournament was why the wives didn’t go earlier with husbands. I didn’t like it but I didn’t want to rock the boat at this point. During those three days I couldn’t reach my husband. At the time it was odd my husband didn’t meet me at the airport and more Weird he wasn’t curbside when the bus got to the hotel. The following day I was trying to wrap a gift for my granddaughter and I grabbed a bag I saw empty in my husbands open suit case. A note dropped out of it and it said thank you so much for everything love Erin. Erin is or was my cousin. My husband told me that the note was old and it was because he had gotten her some dodger shirts signed and sent to her. She’s married and I thought it odd but I chose to believe him. We return from Mexico and go about our life coaching. And now the four of us meet weekly to go over things we need to work on in our marriage. I was totally convinced my husband was faithful to me for the last year at least. I never caught him but I did know he a terrible flirt. I help a friend in Tahoe pack her stuff to move because she had no one and my husband was even pissed off I wasn’t already gone when I got sick right before leaving and everything was delayed two days. Of course now I know why. At the time I had no clue except he was getting more pissed off at things I did that were nothing. Two months later this affair with my cousin got outta hand I guess by what happened next. My husband being a coward too besides a Narcissist, couldn’t deal with it ( she was planning on them running off together) so he left a clue that he thought would make me call her. I know he didn’t expect me to then hack his phone and see ALL THE GORY DETAILS! I wasn’t expecting it. My god he had had his chance in counseling to voice any issues he had with me.the subject of cheating came up in counseling and he swore on a bible he never had nor would. My point is that there’s levels of narcissism. Narcissist are very good actors. They even fool doctors and therapists. Exposure to them is like death. So that’s great you have people who can control their husbands. But many of us can not.

      L,’.

      1. Rather than worrying about levels of narcissism – I wonder what you are going to do now? Your story is one of such terrible betrayal. I hope you are taking steps to work through your grief. I also wonder how you are dealing with your anger towards him and what forgiveness will eventually look like for your to be able to move on with your life.

  3. I find this so hard to believe after everything else I read about the Narcissist. I know that the man I was with was Deviant, which is common for those with NPD. He did incorporate me into his world, his friends, his family. Helped him through his father’s sickness by taking care of him while he was away and was there for him when his father died. He was never dishonest with me. He never said he loved me and that I cared for him more than he cared for me yet even though I told him that it was okay to let me go to find someone who he could love he could not. I realize that he formed a strong attachment to me because I am strong but he is so disconnected from himself I don’t think he understands the concept of real love. I confronted bad behavior in him many times but not in a demeaning or threatening way. Learned to use “I” instead of “You.” Praised him on occasions by letting him know I appreciated the good things he did. More or less the little things like when he would take my things to the car when we would work or he would make me something I would comment on that I wanted. I have gone NC as of right now just to get myself in order. I have my boundaries in place now and am thinking of contacting him. He has sent me 2 emails in a span of 2 months ( purely sexual as this is the only way he knows how to try to start conversations with me) but I was suffering from PTSD from Codependency. I know that he is still using online porn and sex but is not in another personal relationship as far as I know. I am not sure the right way to deal with this issue when contacting him. I am not telling him it is okay to be in relationship with him right at this moment. I have heard so many horror stories about these types of relationships. I realize that I am an independent woman who can stand in the face of this without becoming too attached now. Where do I go from here? I do love him but the rose colored glasses have been off for a while now. In fact it kind of scares me to think about going back.

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