Still Making Mistakes?
Q: Guess who has been moaning and complaining too much lately, asking her partner to change?
A: I am ashamed to admit the culprit is me!
You see the reason I research and write about Narcissism and Codependence, is that I am one of the people who probably need this help the most.
Seven years ago I choose to begin researching and writing about relationship skills as my new career. A large part of this decision was that it would force me to keep coming back here to keep working on my own (well researched) advice every day!
New habits are easy to forget, so in my post today I want to offer an overview of good things to remind ourselves of.
Things to Stop
1. Stop asking your partner to change.
– As much as it sometimes feels the right thing to do – it seldom works and can really put a dampener on love.
2. Stop trying to get your partner to have that “big talk” about feelings.
If you are feeling bad they probably are too and so talking about feelings — thinking it will help you feel better — will usually end up a mess. If neither of you are able to make yourselves happy – how can you help anyone else?
3. Stop doing things to please your partner trying to make them love you more.
If you are doing things trying to please your partner to get them to notice and appreciate you, I guarantee they will notice the strings attached. As much as it can be tempting to think this will earn us love – instead it will usually only earn disrespect.
4. Stop expecting our partner to care for us because we feel tired or sick.
Let’s face it, hanging around a sick and tired person isn’t fun. If you are unwell perhaps it’s time for some self care and to spend time resting and recuperating on your own.
5. Stop making threats, ultimatums and demands.
These escalate the fights and engender resentment not love
Things to Remember
Today I have summarized a list of positive actions in my members area to remember when things get tough.
This includes a ton of new scripts for situations such as these . . .
a. When your partner is putting you down.
b. When your partner is going through their list of complaints from the past.
c. When your partner is angry and wants you to accept all the blame for why he/she feels bad.
d. When you need to establish boundaries on behavior that needs to stop.
So if you are a member please visit the page here . . .
Scripts to Get You Out of a Jam
Or subscribe to our members only area today
Happy Thanksgiving to All of Our Subscribers in the United States 🙂
To celebrate Thanksgiving I am going to open our introductory specials to everyone again just for the next couple of days . . .
Please remember that the advice on this blog is no substitute for the steps and exercises in our books.
Get emotionally fit this holiday season and join us in putting some healthier emotional habits in place in your home today.
Check out my latest page of scripts
Kim,
You made some useful points. But, I disagree with not expecting my partner to care for me when I am sick or tired. That is the time that I need him the most. I care for him when he is sick or tired. That is what marriage is all about.
Hi Wentra,
As soon as I read that part I jumped into the same conclusion.But what I think Kim means with that is not that we are not supposed to take care of each other when we are sick or tired.What I think she means is that we should be the first to take care of ourselves when we are feeling sick or tired.Others taking care of us should not be taken for granted but should come as a bonus.And when you take care of your husband do it because it is in your heart to do it not because you expect him to do it too.Before when I was sick or tired I used to lay there and expect my husband to guess what I needed and will be so frustrated and angry when he wouldn`t do what I thought he should.We are not all the same,so now if I need him to do something I simply ask : “I am feeling so tired.I am going to bed./I am not feelin wel.Do you mind taking care of the kids?Do you mind preparing dinner? ”
And guess what,he always agree.And even if he doesn`t I just go and lay down anyway (take care of myself).I just take the time I need to rest.And if he does not colaborate either dinner will be ready later than usual or he will end up doing it because the kids are waiting and he does not like to be the bad guy.AFter these changes I almost don`t need to ask him.As soon as I say I am not well he is the first to offer me a cup of tea,or to cook.
Once you start taking care of yourselves,most likely others will follow.
Yes Eva – you explained that very well. I think it is about what we expect. I used to think that me being sick should make Steve care about me more. Now I understand the opposite is true – that of course being healthy and fit is more attractive. This doesn’t mean that I can’t ask for help if I am unwell – but that shift in my understanding has meant that I take care of myself a lot better now.
*would be * feeling