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What Creates Sexual Longevity?


Whether watching couples figure skate or birds flying in formation – there is little in our life that will bring more contentment and satisfaction than the experience of being in sync.

Neuroscience has demonstrated that getting in sync – in what are sometimes called circles of communication (non verbal and verbal) – is in fact what our whole nervous system is wired for.

The regular experience of being in Sync with others creates attachment in families and helps us feel secure, equal with the people around us, noticed and known.

And while getting out of sync with someone we love is usually uncomfortable, there is probably no place this causes more damage to a marriage than in bed.

But before we talk about sex – first I want to start with a story about giving birth.

I spent 19 hours in labour with my first child and although I had been warned, I really was not prepared for the pain.

Then in my second pregnancy I dealt with the fear by telling myself it would be fine this time, as people always say that your second baby is easier.

Well my second delivery was certainly faster, but I still remember the violence of it to this day. I was down on the floor on my hands and knees with the midwife behind me with scissors in her hand (Steve only told me this later) telling me to stay on the floor every time I attempted to stand up. This was during a contraction that had seemed to last nearly 20 minutes and had me wanting to climb the wall using my fingernails as claws.

Steve finally stepped in and got down in my ear and said “ignore her, we know how to do this”, and helped me up, flipped me around into a supported squat — and it is lucky that I make short umbilical cords — because the midwife hardly had a chance to put her scissors down (thankfully unused) let alone catch the baby, when within a flash my second child was born.

So after these two experiences, by the time I became pregnant with my third child I was seriously scared.

While at an interview at a birthing centre we were considering for this next delivery – I finally got on the right track. You see the midwife there told me that I could do anything I wanted in their birthing centre – and to make her point she mentioned swinging from the chandeliers.

I declined this suggestion, but it encouraged me to finally get serious about finding out what the cold hard mechanics of getting a baby out were really all about.

You see I didn’t want to ‘do whatever I wanted’, what I desperately needed was accurate advice, and after learning little in the birthing classes I had attended I had discovered that this was seriously hard to find.

Because after the horror days of women being forced to give birth in bed on their backs – no one seemed game any more to suggest there was a right or wrong way to give birth.

So desperate and scared I went to a friend who worked at the hospital and asked if I could please borrow a few props from the midwife’s department.

So there I sat in her office – left alone while she did her rounds – and experimented with a dolls head and a female pelvic bone and by doing so unlocked the puzzle of ‘the gate through which we enter this life’.

Because this gate (a woman’s pelvic bone) has a sharp turn in it and seeing the dolls head negotiate this turn, everything right and wrong about what had happened during my previous births suddenly became crystal clear.

From this I came up with three positions, one for each stage of the birth process and by the time I delivered my next child I had the satisfaction to discover that they worked like a charm.

This time during the birth – the midwife laughed that I was the only person she had ever witnesses keep her sense of humor while in transition.

But transition was now okay with me – because I knew that this was the point where the babies head was entering into ‘the gate’ and this time I had figured out ahead of time exactly what I needed to do.

I will save the positions and advice on childbirth for another short eBook if enough people ask and are interested – but really my purpose here has been to illustrate something else.

You see I believe there are right and wrong ways to position yourself during the stages of child birth and in just the same way I believe there are right and wrong ways of conducting your sex life if you want your relationship to last and grow better over time.

And just like childbirth some of this has everything to do with the design of a woman’s pelvis and anatomy.

For instance I wonder how many people reading here know that there is only ONE position that has much chance of allowing a couple to climax together while having sex (if you don’t include anyone using their hands)?

And I wonder how many of you know the chemistry of sexual attraction and attachment that starts way before a couple ever end up in bed?

And what about jealousy, anxiety and some of the common fears (men in particular) harbor, that often damage a relationship to the point that, after a few years of marriage, many couples end up never having sex anymore at all?

We now have conclusive evidence that there are ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ ways to handle these negative emotions and that practising good emotional regulation will cause a person to undoubtably be more stable and successful in their life.

Just like the midwife who told me I could ‘swing from the chandeliers‘, I believe people have become so obsessed with the idea of sexual freedom and sexual rights, that finding information on getting the basics down can now be very hard.

Sure you can conduct your sex life however you like, but will what you are doing bring you closer, building happiness and trust? Or will it cause dissolution, heart ache and pain.

So here today I want to offer you my latest short ebook (guide) called

Sexual Longevity: How to conduct a meaningful sexual relationship that gets better over time.

Just like all my other books this work has come from a lifetime of research and personal experience. This time however it is primarily written for men.

Not that I think women won’t learn from it, I just wanted to make it as clear for their husbands as I could.*

Because I think women having genitals on the inside, for men makes the whole business of how to satisfy a woman sexually, very daunting.

And just like my other works, I don’t waste time in this ebook getting to the point.

You will learn the one position I was mentioning, a lot about sexual ‘chemistry’ and also some very practical warnings for men about porn.

Steve and I are extremely private people when it comes to sex and so this new short ebook was very hard for me to write.

However it is just too important a subject to leave off the table, and because woman and men’s chemistry and anatomy are not always that complimentary, getting ‘in sync’ sexually can be a mystery that evades couples their entire life.

There is too much sadness and pain in this for me to let a little personal discomfort get in the way of sharing what I have worked so hard to learn.

Now the catch is that because I have not made a cover or sales page for this new ebook yet – right now the only way for you to get a download copy is to …

1. Subscribe to Our Love Boat Cruise (with lots of other movies and articles that you may find appropriate to share with your partner here.

2. Spend $20 or more on my other books and audio products on my new sales page here.

Within 24 hours after completing your purchase, Steve or I will personally email you a download link for Sexual Longevity.

This offer will expire on the first of the year (or when I have got the marketing material ready to attach it’s own purchase price).

If you are a man I bet this book will teach you a lot about women you may not already know. And Girls, I think you will learn some things too and hopefully have the courage to share this PDF with your man.

*PS. If your husband is angry and insecure about his sexuality please use your own wisdom and discretion about whether you feel safe to give him this book.

Kim is the author of seven books on the topic of relationships and emotional intelligence.

A prolific multi-media content innovator, Kim has created and shared a library of articles and multi-media educational tools including radio shows,
movies and poetry on 'The NC Marriage', and 'The Love Safety Net'.

This Post Has 23 Comments

  1. Kim and Steve,

    As you know, I am struggling financially still but I really would like to have your sex ebook. I have never been able to afford any of your books through my separation and divorce from my abusive ex-husband, but I am remarried now and my husbband and I were just in the counselor’s office yesterday trying to figure out how to improve our sex life. If you could spare a complimentary copy of your book, I will read it with my husband and apply it. He is brand new about marriage, has some issues about sex, and I am starting to give up.


    1. Hi LauraBeth, A subscription to The Love Safety Net Membership site I mention above will cost you less than $10 for the first month and not only will you get the ebook on sex – you will get a lot of movies and articles that you can read and watch with you husband. Much cheaper than a counselor and this other site does not mention anything about abuse.

    1. Hi Anita and RA – I will see what I can figure out! If you have a Love Safety Net Membership you can simply log in and read it there! I will go and =make sure that link is working now 🙂

  2. Kim,
    Sign me up for a copy of the ebook on the birthing positions. Eventually that is going to be essential information me and mine.

  3. I am interested in the birthing positions also – i have 2 daughters due next summer!!
    I am also grateful you finally wrote something about sex, I was wondering how you went through all you did and still keep intimacy in your relationship! Thanks!

  4. I can’t believe how in sync we are. I have been thinking of the same thing, and published a book a year ago. I am currently trying to get it out on Kindle. It should be free for lending soon. Can’t wait to read yours. Sounds great. Loved the blog. Will post your link on my website. Want to post mine somewhere on yours?

    1. Hi Arla, I will try and remember to check out your website when I am on holidays. You may need to remind me in about a week 🙂

  5. I tried to click on the link above for “the Love Safety Net Membership site ” and it is a broken link. Email me when you get is fixed.

    I think this link is to your new page that does not use the word Narcissism . Is that true? I want to refer some people to get this e-book but is should be on the new page.

  6. Like Anita and LauraBeth, I’ve already purchased your ebooks. Is it possible to get the s*x ebook by subscribing to the membership site only, or do you also have to spend $20, or are you planning to make the book for sale itself at some point – bit confusing! I would like to get the s*x ebook but not willing to buy ebooks I alredy have, so if you can clarify I would appreciate it. Thanks.

    1. Hi MD – I will get some links up in the free articles section to my last post called Dealing with parents and in-laws. In there you may find some useful information to help you with your husband right now. If you go to and then click on the big link at the top right of the page that says learn what your emotions are telling you there is a subscription for a very low monthly subscription fee (and you can unsubscribe at any time) that will allow you to download the new short ebook and will also give you access to a whole series of short articles and movies that I think will probably help you now. I also wonder if you are a subscriber to this sites series on Dealing with verbal abuse? I do not think that you staying when he says he wants a divorce is lowering your self esteem. I would ask him what he wants to talk about and suggest that he make a short agenda in writing and agree to stick to it and you will be happy to talk. however you will still you need to have your scripts ready to end the conversation if he is being rude to you or confabulating. I also think that it is important that you hear him through about why he wants the divorce without you arguing even if you think he is wrong. I know that may hurt like hell but the more you can stay calm and listen and then say you will think about it and still get on with your life the less resistance you may find with him. Sometimes these kind of conversations can be a beginning rather than the end.

      1. The new links are up in the free articles menu and I had to take down the wall post box but the RSS feed appears to be working now 🙂

  7. This is strange as many of you know that most Narcissistic abstain from having sex let alone love making. I have not had sex in over 2 years now and my on and off partner (Narcs)declared that he would be abstaining from sex. This left me in a void, it was traumatic on my behalf. I am now used to not having sex and my other half have lost the intimacy and is too scared to open up his feelings. At the moment it is Christmas time and I have not seen or heard from him in little over 2 weeks now. The reason being is that around this time of the year they declare themselves busy and retreat into their own world. Ideally I would love to reach out but all doors are shut this will continue until the new year.
    Has anyone been in this position before?

    1. Hi Lyndy,

      That must feel very frustrating and lonely for you. I do not think there is any blanket statements you can say about narcissism and sex. Rather than believing that he is retreating into his own world, personally I would be concerned about my husbands sex life if he declared 2 years ago that he would be abstaining from sex and disappears for weeks at a time. I don’t think you should obsess about it – but I definitely would be getting as much information as I could about where he is and what he is up to.

  8. Hi Kim,
    I’m very much interested in getting this new ebook as I’ve had little satisfaction from my sex life so far. Also, do you perhaps know ways of healing a past experience of incest? (this is actually for my friend who can’t seem to be able to overcome this and has lost hope of ever having a normal life – I thought of your site but she just doesn’t want to read stuff, just keeps talking about it).
    There is also something about the beginning of this article that got me thinking. Being in sync with with others has always been what I’ve wanted most yet it’s not happening, despite therapy and counselling. Is there any “position” I could use to feel more connected and noticed?

    1. Hey Anna, The Love Safety Net Workbook, The little book of Empathy Love and Friendship and 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence will all help with advice about getting in sync 🙂

  9. Hey Kim,

    Thanks for putting out this info on sex. I don’t doubt at all it was hard to write and publish. I have most of your books already but would love to purchase this new book when it comes out.

    I want to hear about the birthing positions! I am pregnant with my fourth child due in March. I’ve always used a birthing center and they are great there! However ANY advice I can get on making labor even just a LITTLE bit easier would be awesome. Anxiously waiting…

  10. I always thought we had a great sex life even tho at 67 he was concerned air his declining impotence. He has always been a great lover and “proud” of his appendage!!! We cuddled up every night and. had lots of physical intimacy.
    12 months ago we planned a dream cruise holiday from Prague to Paris and. 10 days before departure he said he could not go.
    I now know he has been having an affair since April and even when confronted on no less than three occasions, he denied the affair after a 12 year relationship.

    I am stunned even tho reading in your articles about infidelity. I NEVER thought he was “like that” as he was so concerned about what people think and took the moral high ground always. Very generous, absolute gentleman in public. But oh so, so controlling in private.

    In 12 years he has had no less then 19 staff resign or walk out. Of his small business. His foreman told me last night he could not abide his lies and double standards. He told me about the emails to the new love and came around to my homee to tell me about the affair.

    I am shattered that if have been so violated and deceived. Two former wives have contacted me and I discounted their warnings. He talked about his fiancée ‘s and the sex life of his two wives.and I don’t want him doing that with his now lover.

    Enough … I m incensed at my naiveté and my adult children are also hurt that they have been betrayed.

    The now love, lives in Europe where he’s visited twice in the last two months and she is now here just 250 m from where I now live. Thank Gpd I had the sense to keep my own home even tho under pressure to sell when he purchased close buy when he downsized.

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