Do You Command Respect?
The person who wrote, “Sticks & stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.” obviously never lived with verbal abuse. Quite simply, words can and do hurt.”
For years I lived on the receiving end of insults, verbal aggression and sarcasm. I am embarrassed to say I was often guilty of these myself.
My skill at avoiding put-downs (and ability to keep my mouth shut) has improved over the years, which has certainly expanded my circle of influence.
If you are struggling to command respect in your life, I hope I get the chance to share what I have learned with you. I know what it is like to be stuck feeling continually put down and not understand why this keeps happening. It is a terrible place to be. So today I have revised, updated and re-released a series of 7 articles on handling verbal abuse.
Don’t Leave ‘Next Time’ to Luck
The first thing you must understand is that any way of dealing with verbal abuse which relies on analysing a conversation in progress is simply not going to work. Our amygdala (emotional brain) is lightening fast compared to our analytical brain (prefrontal cortex) and so when our buttons get pushed emotionally, we will always find ourselves reacting long before our ‘best brain’ gets the chance to think about what we are doing or saying.
Just hoping you will instinctively do better ‘next time’ will never work.
Do you wish to improve your skill in handling situations where you often face insults or disrespect? If so you will need to spend time contemplating the situations where this usually happens. Then start working on new strategies to practise that will no longer leave ‘next time’ up to luck.
You will need to practice and reinforce these new responses if you want to make them work in real life.
This probably sounds like hard work. Working on better responses, however, will vastly improve your life in ways nothing else will.
We Want to Help!
Do you want to be loved and respected?
Have you had enough of being put down?
Join my group and gain access to all of the articles in my series on handling verbal abuse (plus other members-only articles and eCourses), while sharing comments with other people facing similar challenges.
You will also receive personal encouragement and support from Steve and me.
Our discussions are moving into a private area of our site now and I hope that you will join us :)
Here’s to you being loved and respected for who you are . . .
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You can gain access to the articles in this series here. Please make sure you are logged in!
This Post Has 23 Comments
I have to say I was feeling paniced- the monthly charges, however cheap they are, may be something that these women reaching out to you couldn’t sign up for. If my husband, or many others sees a recouring charge there will be lots questions and possible arguments.
I realize your trying to make income- and that’s understandable. Please leave letters and blogs or something that women
Can access frequently to ease the pain. I come to your information everytime I am having a hard time. It helps tremendously- please don’t stop that.
Hi Leah – No we certainly won’t stop providing free info. We have also tried to keep the cost low enough that you can possibly ask another relative or friend to use their credit card if you need to. Kim
I would add that it’s just not women who are verbally abused. I know that’s the way most of the texts are written, he, he, he, he, he …
However women can do it too and do. I am verbally abused by my wife and her sistersdo it to their husband too ( and her brothers to their wives).
Yes absolutely Fred, there are a lot of men here looking for help too!
Your introduction to this series seems exactly what I need in my life right now! Please send more info about the cost & how to sign up. I’m tired of “meltdowns” that my family just believes they are justified in doing, with or without information, at any given time!!!
Hey Sherri – Just hit the subscribe button and you will be walked through the process!
I’m sad about the issue of payment. I simply cannot afford a commitment like this every month. I have found your words very useful in dealing with two people that I have a close relationship, one at work and one at home. Unfortunately I am not well paid and as a vicar I work with volunteers and do can’t escape these situations easily. Your writing has been very helpful in helping me stay sane and I thank you for that.
Hey Karen – there will still be more free articles!
All things considered for myself, and for many others I’m imagining, this beats the $200-$300 per 45 min. session with a counselor that is of absolutely NO help concerning what we are going through or NPD alone.
I understand and can so relate to your concern about recurring charges being questioned.
With the help and progress I have made and that I receive from Kim & Steve’s information, materials and ebooks, I can’t see not joining.
I am still in dreadful poverty here in the uk,
but I regulary check your work because it’s so wonderfully wise. xx
Are your materials also good for borderline disorder?
Hi Theresa, Our program was developed through my own experience which was not with BPD but I have been told by someone suffering from that disorder that The Love Safety Net Workbook and 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence helped them tremendously.
I guess i will join if I ever recover from the devastation this man has left me in… no job or home.. but you have both helped me out so much and I hope to be able to join your new “silver” club soon. Good luck on this endeavor ~
I can’t say how important your information has been for me over the last nearly 4 years. I worked on my previous relationship and largely contained the abuse (with your advice), but used my new knowledge to leave and find a much more loving, compatible partner. We have had three wonderful years together so far! I think that changing myself through your fantastic, unique e-books has led to me attracting much more love into my life:-).
I will subscribe to your site, as I still find your ongoing advice very important in my life. I’m dealing with a bully of a boss at he moment (only arose when I announced my pregnancy and maternity leave) – and feel much more capable this time round! I’d really like to give something back, so am pleased to do so through subscription.
I was wondering – do you have a slightly discounted rate for a yearly subscription? I recognize this as ongoing work for me, and it would be more convenient to pay now (before I go on unpaid leave!).
Just a thought as well – sometimes when I was in trouble, I used to buy the odd, single journal article for a couple of dollars rather than make a subscription commitment. Could this work for some people as well?
So much thanks, and best wishes for your ongoing work with us in this challenging world, Kim and Steve. Your advice really does work to help people make a life transformation.
Thanks for the suggestions Cate – I will look into it and I am glad you have made so much progress!
I had a most dreadful weekend. I am in shreds today, I want to cry and and all my confidence has melted away.
My N husband has been horrible to me all weekend. Yes, he did LOTS around the house, but with an attitude of trying to prove a point rather than
help. The jobs he did felt so much like an insult, that in the end I started asking him not to do any more! He was so full of hatred,he bombarded me with it all Saturday and Sunday, with no positive interactions at all!
In the end, when our son’s friend and his mum visited on Sunday I was so distroyed by his constant contempt that I felt I couldn’t face this
lady without bursting into tears so I went to bed crying my eyes out and left David to deal with it. Under normal circumstances I would have enjoyed having her around. I probably slept for a bit. I don’t know what he told her about me, but whan she left he shouted to me that the kids were downstairs and he was leaving. He took the car and
went off without telling me where.
So I got up and cooked dinner, served, cleared up,still no word from him. After the boys were in bed his mum called asking to speak to him as ahe wanted to apologize having hung up on him during a row on the phone. So I learned he had been discussing extended family matters with her which is what may have been bugging him and he had been punishing me for. At 11pm I got a text from him
saying he had gone to Milton Mowbury , God knows where this is, near London somewhere, to see a friend, obvously having had enough of “people treating him like shit”! He’s got the car which I use for taking kids to school and myself to work a and back. I don’t know when he will be back and in what condition.
What an irresponsible, immature person!
Kim, my head’s gone and I can’t think straight. How should I react when he gets back? I want to set a boundary to stop him rocking the home boat and exposing me and the children to such undue stress again. What is the best thing to say to him?
How can I take back control of the car so he doesn’t deprive us of our means of transport again?
I know these step won’t reverse the damage to our relationship, but at least he will see that I mean business when I say he must stop this abusive behavour.
I know you will know what to say, Kim.
First you need to take care of yourself and the kids and figure out how you are going to get to school and work without the car. Can you ask for a ride from his mother or someone else who he would be embarrassed to know that he had abandoned you? AS angry as you probably are right now it is really best if you can keep things as stable as possible the next few days until you calm down. Him succeeding in provoking or destabilising you will only make things worse for you. There will be plenty of time later to figure out just what went on with his mother and where he has gone and what he is up to. You cannot start setting boundaries now. First you need to self soothe and find your own source of inner happiness and strength. That may seem tough but that is where you will find all of your strength.
I love your articles and make a point to get up early and read something from “ya’ll” as they say here in the South U.S. you have saved my marriage and my sanity. After fumbling with a very narcissistic husband and other family members I finally see my role in the dance and am making the changes. I keep a file of items to shelf and come back to with my n after I’ve had time to plan a better strategy. Understanding attachment and the lack thereof in my husbands early years helps me to understand and have some compassion. His mother was schitzo and his father was an abusive n. I have posted your link to your site on my website and I hope it generates a lot of interest. I deal with lots of kids and parents who look at the site. One question; I am already a monthly love boat member. Is this verbal abuse advice in addition to that? In my job and business dealing with many parents and administrators this could be a BIG help! Bless you Kim and wish you all the best!!!
Hi Ellen and thanks for all your help spreading the word!
After I write to all of my mentoring clients and answer blog comments I only get a few hours a day to work on site building and so progress has been slow – but I am really hoping that I will have a new page up very soon that will be a kind of directory for all of these areas. Update: The page is here: http://www.narcissismcured.com/blog
Thanks for asking and thanks for helping us promote our work. People keep telling us we should just get other jobs because this work is such long hours and doesn’t pay very well (we can’t even afford to get our car fixed at the moment) but I just don’t ever see myself being able to walk away from this. There are just too many people needing help and it is so rewarding being able to offer that.
I have so much faith that if we just stick in here and keep offering the best service we possibly can – the tide has got to turn financially for us soon.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Many of us have or are going through the same things you are experiencing. Do you have any of Kim & Steve’s ebooks? Those would be a great benefit for you.
Hope to hear from you again.
Thank you for all the wonderful information you have shared. I am kind of surprised that people would suggest you shouldn’t charge for at least ‘some’ of it. You need to make a living and e compensated for all your work. I am grateful for the helpful free stuff, because I was able to turn around a relationship that I left 7 months ago. It wasn’t till I was filing for divorce that I decided I needed to get serious about my own issues. I found your information on codependent narcissism, and began to work on a different approach to my relationship, and my life. My estranged husband and I are seeing eachother again, and have set up some counseling. We tried counseling before, and it was not that helpful, but I feel with the new tools I am learning from your website, we have a real chance. I can’t afford your membership till I find a job, but I have enough to work right now, and will definitely sign up when I can. Also, I would love the idea of a discount for long term membership.
Thank you for everything, and a better life,
Well I want to say thank you for all your knowledge on NPD.I had no idea that this even existed, I just thought it was all me, but on the inside just longing to be loved and treated like I treat him I i now know that until I make changes, he will never change, it’s now been 7 years of hell! Lies, woman, deceit and a whole lot of manipulation. It started with little lies, to now physical and verbal abuse. Thanks to your website I have found the strength within to get other people involved even the police. I’m looking forward to hopefully having a great marriage, or at least the strength and support I need for myself.
Major issue with narcs if you repeat yourself they go ballistic I repeat myself out of frustration because they listen to noone but their distorted mind and nothing gets resolved that is why they use past conflicts to keep the fire of destruction going if you. Seem like everything is happy they will bring up past issues they are only comfortable in confusion and kaous they feel powerful during this a dance of demise and destructive violence