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Once upon a time we all knew evil lurked in the castle …

 

Thank you to the lovely doctor who asked me this question about fairy tales (in the comments section of the article When Lost in The Wilderness):

Q: Kim Would you care to comment how you see fairy tale images being used (positively and negatively) in every day life?

A: I think that fairy tales were once stories that helped us understand psychological and moral truths about ourselves but have since unfortunately been twisted (mostly) into political propaganda.

For instance, we are led to believe that we are no longer ruled by kings, while nearly every little girl in the west is raised aspiring to be a princess. The narcissism of politicians is discussed regularly and openly, while the fact that most of the royal family is obviously suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder never gets a mention. Considering their need to be worshipped and insistence on preserving ritual and costume that play out their superiority to others (along with a whole publishing industry devoted to confabulating their personalities and role in history) can anyone seriously doubt this diagnosis as pervasive in the British royal family?

This before I have even mentioned the family history of severe mental illness (that you do not need to dig very deep to discover).

This is significant, because while we call the royal family mere figureheads, still we allow them hold on immeasurable wealth, mostly won from slavery, drug running and colonial rule.

We also allow their immeasurable influence, with most world leaders bowing down to them still.

The royals may look innocent – but that in itself is a symptom of this disorder. If they didn’t look innocent they would never survive playing the superiority game that they do.

In the fairy tales of old; from Bluebeard to Snow White and the many tales of vampires, we are repeatedly warned of evil lurking in the castle. Yet today these tales have been sanitised and emphasis instead placed on the new young Princess, who coming into power makes everything okay.

I have seen this real life fairy tale of the princess played out twice now in my lifetime – with a new princess just recently wed in grand ceremony on the world stage. Let’s hope she fares better than Diana, but somehow I doubt it very much that she will.

Perhaps the biggest fantasy of all lies in our hopes for ‘the new princess’. It is a tale that leaves us clinging to the false certainty that because our heart and emotions are so much purer than our parents – that fate must certainly shine more favourable on us than them.

We cling to this hope while growing up with all the same emotionally stupid habits passed on to us by these same parents and further added to and ingrained by our narcissistic / codependent entertainment industry and media.

So of course the evil persists and the chaos and suffering of our leaders narcissistically disordered personalities continues. When will it end? Certainly not by crowning a new princess. We need to understand that our instincts have been impaired and that everything we think about our emotions is basically back to front. We say “I am sad and so you should feel sorry for me” or “I am angry and so you should soothe me” instead of saying, “I am feeling sad lately and so what is it I need to let go of?” or “I always get angry when this happens and so what is this telling me I need to change?”

 

Kim is the author of seven books on the topic of relationships and emotional intelligence.

A prolific multi-media content innovator, Kim has created and shared a library of articles and multi-media educational tools including radio shows,
movies and poetry on 'The NC Marriage', and 'The Love Safety Net'.

This Post Has 65 Comments

  1. What does the Royal Family actually DO to earn their position? Do that actually DESERVE to be WORSHIPPED? And if not then we are all under their spell. Same as partners of narcissists who find it impossible to break free.

  2. I like your comment “The royals may look innocent – but that in itself is a symptom of this disorder.”For twenty years, I lived with that “other” segment of royalty in our society, a narcissistic husband in the medical field. There is something about having the title “Dr.” that entitled my husband to be viewed as innocent no matter what the truth of his real behavior was behind closed doors. Every time I read about Dianna and Charles, I see a parallel with my narcissistic “Dr.” husband. Thanks for another empowering article.

  3. The innocent appearance of the royals is wearing thin. Last month pictures of Prince Harry displaying the royal jewels at a naked billiards party in Las Vegas surfaced and were splashed all over the media.
    Probably as a punishment, he was banished to Afghanistan where the Taliban tried to attack his compound last week and two American soldiers lost their lives in the attack.
    Let me say this again: Two American soldiers lost their lives to defend a whelp of an English prince who can’t keep his pants on in public.
    Americans dying for English royalty – it is an outrage!
    In 2005 Harry showed up in public wearing a Nazi uniform. Why are we defending these horrible people???

  4. Dear Kim, I have been an avid reader of your articles for some time now, but today I was surprised to read your comments on the concept of fairies. The British Royal family is portrayed as expecting to be worshiped as fairies and you make negative, subjective comments about the royals which seemed to me biased and critical on a personal level. Are the royals not in the position they are due to a tradition upheld by their countries citizens?. Are fairies not just fabrications of old superstitions? We all have to make the best of our circumstances and often we fail, as I am sure they do too but luckily we are not so exposed to public opinion and scrutiny as they and many other celebrities are. Forgive this critism as I do not know what your source of information on them as individuals are, but I feel disappointed that I had to read this article from a source of knowledge and expertise which I have come to value and respect so much for its objectivity and sense of fairness.

    1. Hi Linda, Yes I understand your feelings, the problem is that mental illness does run in families and none of us have much say about being born into that. We all have a choice and that is are we going to continue playing the cards that were handed to us, or if the game is disordered and abusive will we have the courage to change tradition and learn a new game? The royals may have been born into their situation – but they do have a choice. Would you choose that people had to keep curtsying and bowing down to you? Would you choose to keep all the pomp and ceremony enacted in your honour alive? My attack on the royals is far from personal. It is a comment on the mental disorder in our society itself. Many of us tell ourselves that we are egalitarian and democratic while continuing to romanticise about a family who have for generations exploited the vulnerable in this world. Look at the history of the East India company if you are interested to begin researching this. The sale of the Queens royal gold carriage alone could end poverty in Africa. It wouldn’t take much, irrigation and establishing sustainable farm land. Does the queen owe Africa anything? Historically I would say she does! The point here however is to hopefully make people see how blind they can be to narcissism in our society. Just because someone dresses up looking respectable doesn’t mean that they are. True respectability honours it’s debts to people and does not seek to put itself above other people to be worshipped and honoured at the cost of someone else.

  5. Good Article and really makes one think about narcissisism in a different light. I am still with my narcissistic husband and he does seem really innocent and sweet at times, then the evil eventually shows it’s ugly face. Honestly, I dont know what to do anymore or how to cope with all of this. I think there needs to be some sort of National Awareness of this mental illness to start getting treatment for all who are affected by this terrible illness. Thank you Kim for continuing to help us all with your insights.

  6. Hey Terri!
    You need to continue to detach and disassociate from your husband at the same time being kind, graceful, building attachment and all the other steps that Kim & Steve have outlined in their ebooks.

    This is more about the changes in us that the narcissist will take notice of and in turn change their behavior. Atleast if they are a ‘reachable’ narcissist.

    Stay strong, be consistent, don’t overdue attention or affection(signs of co-dependency) and follow Kim & Steve’s steps.

    Hope to hear from you again.

  7. Thank you Kim!
    The British royals are clearly ill in their minds. You can see this illness in Kate Middleton’s eyes developing more and more as time goes by. What an embarrassing mess it is!
    (best wishes from a grateful English girl who never wanted to be a princess!) x

    1. Hi Rebecca and welcome! In my experience wanting to be superior to others is the road to unhappiness – so how miserable the royal family must be! And I am interested, what is it you have noticed about Kate Middleton’s eyes?

  8. Thank you Kim for pointing out things that may seem obvious to some, while slipping right on past the majority of people. Yes, the royal family is a perfect example of “specialness” aka, narcissism.
    After reading many books on narcissism, and simple life observations I am of the belief that narcissism is epidemic. Facebook, case in point. I am also of the belief that sociopaths are at a much higher level than typical clinical statistics claim. Sociopaths seem to be much more prevelent than the 1 in 20 people. I would say that number is far too low, as we assume that all sociopaths are violent. Many are flying under the radar with narcissism showing it’s ugly face. Winning at any price. The “micro” win is just as delicious as the “macro” win. And, narcissists are easily threatened by anything or anyone who dares to undo their precarious perch of being “king of the hill” aproach to life.

    I actually had a bonafied “judge” who happened to be a neighbor shove me in my face with his large open hand. I was chatting with him and his wife on our lawn one day, and as usual this very tall man was doing his typical talking and making certain he was the center of attention. I made the unfornate decision to disagree with some statement he had made. I did so extremely politely, with no rudeness, but simply stating something I believed to be more true. Without so much as a warning he stepped forward, reached out his arm, and literally covered my entire face with his large palm, shoving me backwards to the point that I lost my balance. I am a woman who is only 5 feet tall, and this many was 6’4″. A judge. An actuall judge on the bench. I was shocked beyond belief, stunned, and didn’t know what to do in that moment. His “wife” just stood there, quiet, making no comment. I walked off. Better to know when to retreat. I never saw her nor him in the same light again, and I suspect that if he was willng to do this to a lady, then what must he do to his wife, behind closed doors. No man has ever laid a hand on me. So, this was a first. But, to this neighbor, “the judge”… his belief trumped wisdom. A full-blown narcissist, with sociopathic nature lurking. To think that this man sits on a bench and hands down sentences to accused people, while he lives by another set of rules. No doubt he belives that the ends always justify the means, aka: the callng card of sociopaths. Narcissists have no awareness nor concern for self-reflection, and “the other person” is mere fresh meat to dine on. Narcissists are never satiated, and sociopaths are are often narcissists who simply take it to a new level.
    Know thyself. Two words that no narcissist ever wants to contemplate. I believe that compulsive busyness, distractions, activities, anything that will result in the narcissist avoiding pure quiet time is a tool narcissist use to keep themselves from truly “thinking” about anything that would remotely touch on a spiritual concept of “the beloved”. They fear anything that will ( in their mind) usurp their house of cards control of their environment. Again, Facebook, for the greater part appeals to narcissists. Do I really sit on my chair waiting for you to tell me that today you are going shopping, trying out a new hairbrush, installing your new “whatever”.
    Tweeting? Another “pure” drug of choice for a narcissist, and their subjects who might just need to get a life, themselves? Not a popular thing to say in a culture that has become obsessed with following others for time filler instead of creating a life themselves.

    1. Hi Grandma S and welcome! What a shocking story about your neighbour! I have heard NPD called hiding from oneself. If we are not modelled how to express embarrassment and shame growing up (which is a difficult and painful thing to do) it just keeps accumulating until we become most uneasy about looking at ourselves. Social media I agree can be a problem – but it is only a tool and can be used constructively as well. Twitter can be a very democratic news service for instance. It is interesting that online forums can be a good way for people to get some insight on themselves too. For instance haughty behaviour that would mostly go uncommented on in public online will see a person ridiculed and rejected. So if the person wants to be accepted they need to modify their behaviour. Much better than TV where people can sit there are drool with their finger stuck up their nose and still the faces on TV keep smiling back at them!

  9. Monarchy may seem attractive as the hope that someone who is already required to be king will make unnecessary the behavior of cat fighting candidates for political office, but it seldom works.

    However, although the context is different, I am in the Naturist Society where clothing is not required for natural recreation and where sexual behavior is more conservative than it is in mainstream society. However, imposing nudity upon those who are upset by it even if it should not upset people can easily be a form of bullying. Why did a prince do it? In appropriate contexts, I think it is healthy.

  10. Darlyn is so right! The changes I have made in myself have been so important. He is responding very well and is showing love like he has not done in a long time! Its very hard but well worth it! 🙂

  11. Your article, in my mind, warned us “commoners” to stay away from narcissistic goals of becoming princesses in our own mind. The Royals aren’t horrible, awful, terrible . . . they are us. None of us are innocent and I love how your article takes us from a “victim” (innocent) view of ourselves to taking responsibility for our own changes instead of conquering others to get our own needs met. Thanks for the reminders.

  12. Another spot on article. Having read Terri’s reply, I would like to say something. Terri, he’s likely to be anything but sweet. I know only too well how the mask of “sorry” “won’t do it again” “you can have the most expensive ring in the store” is slipped on so readily when the NPD partner fears they have been rumbled or about to be confronted. Please take care to look after yourself to avoid being hurt each time the ‘sweet man’ becomes the tyrant or the bully.
    To some outside my marriage, my husband appeared to be thoughtfulness and generosity itself. He’s sadly not, but he is a sad and troubled man whom I can still find love in my heart for but know his ways well enough to keep myself safe. His mother’s a different story and I have a no contact plan in place for her. Haven’t spoke to her in 3 years. He accepts what I say on that one. He speaks to her. He has realised his life is better with limited contact with her. Less of the guilt trips, the unreasonable demands. That lady is very much a princess in an ivory tower of her own making.

  13. Very interesting. I especially liked the last half of the last paragraph. Loved ones of Narcissists can see it plan as day, but I dont think Narcissists ever will.

  14. I have my own Youtube channel on this very topic of narcissism, as well, and I really like Kim’s article about the Royal Family’s narcissism. I’m not sure this world of ours will wake up any time soon to the reality of the lives being lost because of these disturbed creatures, but the best first defense is knowledge and exposure to combat the prevailing ignorance of many in the population! Feel free to check out my channel too. Great job as usual, Kim!

    ~LauraBeth

  15. Kim, you’ve opened my eyes (again) to another layer of reality. As someone living in England for the past 13 years and never having thoughts like that about the royals… well, that tells me something about myself, too.
    My question is this: coming from a background of narcissism/codependence, where do we find a positive role model? I mean, a lot has been said about what’s WRONG with narcissists and codependents, but how are things SUPPOSED to be?

    1. Hey Anna and Welcome! That is a great question. I think healthy role models are very hard to find these days and each of us need to work on finding them for ourselves and our family. It is because of that lack for better or worse Steve and I try and and be role models in our work. TV especially really bugs us and so now we do not watch it at all. I cannot believe how rude to each other most couples on TV are!

  16. Thanks Kim. All of your articles are helpful to me including this. When I will have my own earnings, I will lbuy your book.

    1. Hey VB – You are welcome and please don’t wait too long! If you need help please email me at kimcooper66@gmail.com with a brief explanation of why you cannot afford the books right now and we will try and help. Also to anyone else reading this please check out our new Gold membership registration at the top of this page if you would like to help us keep helping people who don’t have their own bank account or access to a credit card.

  17. LUST turns to hate.
    People must be taught
    or re taught how to love
    if they are not too far
    gone.
    It is a discipline.
    The Biblical Law and Grace
    is being
    trampled today.
    Without it, relationships
    and our society and the world
    does not have a chance.

  18. In reading all these comments I couldn’t help but notice that it seems its dominantly husbands who suffer this ailment maybe there’s more of an attack on fatherhood and that’s the deeper problem

    1. Hi Michael and welcome! I think your comment about the attack on fatherhood is very interesting and I couldn’t agree more.

    1. Hi Tricia and welcome! Could be – my understanding is that borderline can’t let go of being angry but people with NPD will rage when they feel criticised or corrected.

  19. Jane – Thank you so much for sharing about your “Dr” NPD spouse. I can relate. My NPD husband is in the ministry(!) Isn’t that worse? Ugh.

    Daryln – Hey there! “Detaching and disassociating” at the same time as “building attachment” sure is difficult to do! This two year “separation” from my husband is helping me to do that, though! I am “moving on” and developing myself as an individual, while at the same time being nice and positive when he contacts us (I do not initiate contact with him though).

    Kinga – Wholeheartedly agree that the last two sentences in this article by Kim are powerful and say so much! “We need to understand that our instincts have been impaired and that everything we think about our emotions is basically back to front. We say “I am sad and so you should feel sorry for me” or “I am angry and so you should soothe me” instead of saying, “I am feeling sad lately and so what is it I need to let go of?” or “I always get angry when this happens and so what is this telling me I need to change?”

    What a challenge (but I think Kim is so right!)

    Sue – I can relate to what you said about your spouse and mother! “He is a sad and troubled man whom I can still find love in my heart for but know his ways well enough to keep myself safe. His mother’s a different story and I have a no contact plan in place for her” … same as you, I have no contact with my mother-in-law and feel it is much better for everyone. My husband does still contact her, but he also has realized that limiting his contact with her is better. We both try to be kind, but without her narcissism being able to “feed” off of us, she has pretty much gone out of our lives.

    LauraBeth – Hope your wedding goes well on Saturday!

    Thanks to all – hang in there everyone!

  20. This is probably the first time I’ve commented here, but I am very interested in and impressed with the approach of this wholesome web-site confronting a very difficult societal problem. What I’m going to add here is actually a comment I made to a dear friend when I shared Kim’s article with her today, and she wrote back to me. The context of some of the things I said are particularly pertinent to our own situation and personalities, but since Kim invoked a lively discussion, I thought I might as well share it with you too! Please forgive the casual phrasing!

    “yes,… it’s a very old and ingrained human pattern,… and if we keep putting “them” on a pedestal, and acting like it’s ok for us to take the demeaning things that they act out toward us, then it will never change,… but just egoistic head-to-head fighting and complaining about it never really changes anything either,… (like the fallacies of the modern “women’s lib” movements, or the Playboy/Hustler men’s independent and rebellious versions of non-humaness),…

    “What this lady is saying, is that we have to “pull out” of the cycle personally, detach our reactions and our reality from the negativity and using patterns of the narcissistic abusers,… find our own peace and self-worth (knowing God helps),… and definitely quit “feeding” into their devouring narcissistic and superiority complexes, as enablers and codependents, etc,…

    “This is mankind’s “old Adamic nature” from the fall, playing itself out ad infinitum,… remember, God told Eve (in the Curse) that she would “worship” her husband and he would “lord” it over her,… I’m also very sure the Celtics (including the British royals, Irish priests, and the whole bunch!) have had their own secretive pathetic versions of these things going on for so long, nobody really thinks it can be (or needs to be) any different,… (even to as deeply rooted an influence, as the spiritual degradation of the actual satanism of the Druids, where power-induced fear ruled the day unequivocally,… )

    “Well-conditioned, we all just fall into the same personality patterns offered to us,… pretending that the hidden/disguised, lying and controlling, “concupiscence of the flesh” agenda isn’t the “big deal” that it really is,… even in these most ordinary, interpersonally codependent, ungodly and suffering ways,…

    “The cycle will never be broken, or “seen through” for what it really is, until someone takes the steps to quit getting used, being lied to, being put down, or whatever,… usually the hurting “victim” is the one to see through the dysfunctional set-up, and feel and understand the need first,…

    “It’s a lot like breaking out of a cult and the spiritual/psychological abuse and hold it has on its belongers,… truly never easy to accomplish,…

    “There are lots of centrifugal forces, and habits and customs and beliefs (and sins), that will keep as many as possible bound up in the status quo,… even though their suffering is great,… They are actually held and bound by (an inner) FEAR,… they are afraid to let go of what is known/familiar,… bottomline, it’s a satanic grip and control, in place since the fall,… God does not control us with fear,… this comes from the “false god”,…

    “God wishes us to have the freedom of living truly in His Love,… not the imitation flirtatious, clever, charming but controlling, manipulating Celtic version, where superiority and masochism are two ends of an ever-present and negatively ingrained polarity,… where no one is free,… and hatred, criticism and disgust abide, deeply alive and well, in many a Celtic breast,… their pathetic internal self-hatred being turned outward onto the “others”, the constant victims of their barbs and put-downs, and their exclusion tactics,…

    “Well the “good news” is, once a person can break this cycle for themselves, they have the opportunity to begin a refreshing “new way of living” where freedom, love and true sharing and appreciation are possible,… just being “out of the old cycle” is a genuine relief,… one may have to begin to plant their own “new garden”,… but it’s always worth it,…”

    I deeply appreciate all the “work” that is currently being done on this very difficult issue. As a former victim, and current happy survivor, I applaud your sincere and kind-spirited-but-strong-backboned point of view and efforts! God Bless!

  21. I agree with Kinga. It takes hard work to be healthy.It’s about getting control of your own self. It can be very exhausting. It does take practice and patience, and the positive changes that are coming with it give me the energy to keep going. Thank you Kim, for the periodic inspiration.It helps to lift my spirits!

  22. Great, great article, Kim! You captured the true essence of the royal family in a nutshell. Reader “LInda” is naive and hasn’t read anything other than the biased news media coverage of the royals not to see who they really are and to criticize Kim’s thoughtful understanding of reality. Read something other than your local news paper and one may learn truth!

    1. Hi Pam and welcome! – That is the nature of codependence however – we see what we are meant to see and fear it will make us bad people if we risk rocking the boat. Like all good narcissists the royals are also very good at playing the victim and evincing pity from their audience. They are masters at it in fact. Like poor Kate being hounded by the nasty tabloids yet again. As if the royal family have no power to control the media coverage of them! What an indecent lie that whole charade is. If she is so innocent what is she doing getting around topless where people can photograph her anyway? Is that what famous people who don’t want to end up in the tabloids do? Those pictures are out there because the royal family want them in the headlines. They scream “We royals are young and sexy and powerless victims against the popular press.” Now that is a fairy tale if I ever heard one. I have been in this business far too long now to swallow those kind of narcissistic lies!

  23. I haven’t read all the other posts, so I hope I am not jumping in too far off the discussion thread. I don’t know, Kim, if saying “I am feeling sad lately and so what is it I need to let go of?” or “I always get angry when this happens and so what is this telling me I need to change?” is going to fix things. I mean, yes, those are the only questions I can ask and get an answer. I am the only one I can do anything about. But getting my own answers doesn’t change circumstances. As you yourself have said so often, sometimes breaking up the marriage and the family are not options we want to consider, so we stay and find that we have to keep on and on letting go of the same things over and over. And changing me only goes to my half of the relationship. This isn’t an easy path we choose when Prince Charming is(or should be or has been) in rehab. Some husbands walk a line with this stuff that keeps them just barely on the good side of the fence. Most of the time you feel you are on the fence. It is worth it, is it not worth it after all? And there is a price to pay for that, too. But I genuinely feel that my kids–and now my grandkids–are better off for my having kept things together. It just seems to me that limiting myself to the questions you suggest tends to indicate that there is no responsibility on the other side of the relationship, and there is.

    1. Hi Mary Lee, What needs to change will often be a boundary that needs to be set that forces the other party to take responsibility – like allowing them to face the consequences of their own failures and not always rescuing them.

  24. Fairy tales such as Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
    have a serious message about narcissism,For example in Snow White the step mother looks in the Mirror and says ‘Mirror Mirror on the Wall who is the fairest of us all?’.I found it valuable reading knowing what I know now about narcissim.

  25. Fairy tales, as I’ve been told, often depict finding and rescuing that truest and uncompromised part of our own (inner spiritual/psychological) nature (our “true” self) out of the clutches of the narcissistic elements of “ordinary” life as we’ll find it,… including in those around us and in parts of our own souls.

    “Life on earth” is basically infected with narcissism wherever you look. It takes courage and determination, knowledge and willful actions, to be made against the threatening, imposing and hindering forces,… hence the need for the “strong and handsome good prince”, the rescuer.

    The evil characters: if they have any “beauty” at all, it is feigned, surface-y and impermanent, while their underlying pride, and hateful, jealous, selfish, cruel and destructive motives are apparent.

    Of course, in the case of these fairy tales, the “true self”, that has been suppressed, hidden, viciously maligned and held captive, really is a loving, magnanimous and beautiful person — the “princess” — also sometimes known as the hidden person of the heart.

    These purposely constructed old fairy tales (not necessarily the modern subliminally influenced Disney versions) were designed to communicate our true personal quest in life, like parables, for “those who have eyes to see”,… or so I was told long ago,… The choice is ours,… to live “true” or not,… I think you’re doing a great job at living out the true meaning of fairy tales on this website!

  26. Love the last paragraph. I think at last I’m getting this concept, that it is about me and what I need to change, even if a change includes less or limited contact with a bi-polar husband off his meds. That is a statement about me and all I can handle, and it shouldn’t be called into question. Thank you Jesus for boundaries and peace 🙂 In Jesus, MB

  27. Hi Kim, Thanks for your reply. I am certainly no longer rescuing (not for a long time), and I am not sure how many more boundaries I can set without finally deciding to live somewhere else. So it’s up to me to decide which price I want to pay. It’s just sad that the price on both sides of this fence has to be so high.

    I think the motivation I have at my age (I am 66, have had one marriage and we have been married for 47 years)for even participating in a dialogue such as this is to say to other women that if you are married to someone who is just hard to be in relationship with, that you did not cause it, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it. Has learning not to rescue and learning to set boundaries made my life with him easier? Sure it has. You bet. He’s even made some good changes in his thinking and behavior. But did that turn this relationship into a warm, safe, loving one for me? No, because you can only do so much from your own side of the street.

    So when we hear all the good advice about “cleaning up our own side of the street” and we go inside to deal with our own stuff, we have to do so with only the expectation of growing stronger as an individual. (Stockdale Paradox: the lessons I have learned are so valuable that I will never regret whatever it took for me to learn them.) But if we learn these lessons, all the while expecting that we are somehow assured of changes on the other side of the street, we may find ourselves very disappointed indeed. Sometimes Prince Charming–down deep in his heart, for reasons we will never know–chooses to remain a frog. Getting emotionally intelligent and healthy and all those good things we need to do for ourselves doesn’t change his mind about his frog status, leaving you alone in what should have been a “relationship.”

    1. Hi Mary Lee, In my journey of personal development there have been many people I have ended up leaving behind on the journey because after me growing suddenly we didn’t have very much in common any more. In my case fortunately Steve was not one of them. I also know that for him that took time. Sometimes I would be frustrated but when I looked back at how far both of us had come I would always be truly amazed.

      A lot of this work we teach has to do with you being able to command authority. Some people will always resist and react against authority for sure – but as you said about learning these skills being so valuable – learning leadership skills is still well worth the effort no matter if not everyone can be led! On the other hand I would say your story is not over yet and as he has come some distance maybe there is more that will give in him in time?

      I know a woman who overcame two incurable long term diseases when she realised that keeping herself in the dark (about her husband’s double life) and imagining herself a poor victim was really what was making her sick. After getting better she then proceeded to sell the house out from under her husband (despite his and his families protests) and move them both to a new town where she has better family support.

      Although he kicked and screamed and then sulked in depression, now they are there he is actually happy about the move and looking forward to a new chapter in their life. I share this story because it is a great example of a person who stopped waiting for her husband to care that she was sick and feel for her (at the worst point the doctors did not believe she would live) and instead took charge and decided that the changes she needed in her life were going to happen whether he agreed to them or not.

      She could have left him behind sure – but instead she said “I have stood by you and supported you in the past – but right now this is what is going to happen whether you like it or not!” For that to happen she had obviously already come along way in righting the power imbalance in their marriage.

  28. Hi, I totally agree. The elites, not just the royals, but also the puppet presidents of USA, do desire to be worshipped and in control. We are on the path to the Hunger Games which has been the plan all along. They are narcissistic megalomanics, a class apart from the rest of us who are incapable of feeling empathy or restraint. In this sense I think narcissism also has a strong element of control of others because they want what they want no matter the cost and hurt to others. In fact ‘others’ aren’t even in the equation. Of course my living with a Dr of psychology who doesn’t think his narcissism can change doesn’t help. I have been losing this personal battle but now realise I will have to make the changes for myself and not depend on his benevolence and in this way get prepared for the bigger political battles that are sure to come in the future from the elites.

  29. Jumping in here with an interesting update regarding my narcissist husband. He has been tested and he has narcissist “traits” however, he does have mixed personality disorder, histronic personality disorder and depression. Unless, they are tested you may be dealing with more than you imagine. Wishing everyone only the best….

  30. Wow Kim! What am empowering story in your Sept 21st post! I hadn’t thought about taking charge in my home with the NPD husband in such a way! I can and will take this to heart; the statement (a new “script” for me to use) you made. “I stood by you and supported you in the past-but right now this is what is going to happen whether you like it or not!
    Thanks for that.

    Also, I am living in the U.S. but the “royals” are always news worthy here too. And my first thought for “poor Kate” and the pics of her was, “Well what were you (Kate) doing topless in the first place! Hasn’t the royals “privacy” been violated repeatedly in the past? What makes you think it would be any differrnt for you???” I chided myself then for being “mean-spirited” with the thought. But, now after you comments I feel like validating myself and my “common sense” response! Thanks!

  31. Thanks, Kim. Just been dealing with a lot lately. Hubby tried to take his own life and has now moved out. After 45 years of marriage, I going through the transition of being on my own and alone.

  32. WOW! This one hits home…literally. Besides looking at myself and my family history, I’m here in Colorado, USA looking to see what I can do to end the reign of our present President before he finishes us off for good. I hear, and believe the report based on first hand evidence, that some are building a kind of personality cult for sucking up to Barak Obama. That has frightening overtones from history. Our present “First Family” are certainly playing out their role like royals…with a vengeance!

    And, I wonder if it’s possible to successfully run the gauntlet of election to the White House without being a narcissist. It seems every requirement in our media laden environment pushes one to fit the narcissist mold or get out of the race.

    Kim, I believe your observations are accurate about narcissism within Britain’s Royal Family. Also, of concern to me for some time is the way the Brits tolerate, support, and idolize them. One weird day I found myself drawn with unusual interest to a magazine on the rack in a grocery store. It was a publication dedicated to Princess Diana long after her death. I usually bypass a groan to ignore the imposition of the glitterati. I’m not given to musing over dead people where it doesn’t bear directly on my person, but this time the draw was strong.

    Whew! As an American, I usually scoff at British Royalty. It is so absurd to continue that so long after the monarchy was moved from ruler to showpiece. But why did I find such an intense interest at that particular moment? I have concluded that it was a time of personal challenge, emotional uncertainty, diminished finances, recent abandonment by whom I thought were friends…and some other bad stuff. It was a time where support legs were kicked out and my tendency was to reach out for the image of power, fame, and wealth. Perhaps reaching for a soothing by vicarious connection. Isn’t that the natural thing to do when one feels powerless, whether it is true or not?

    I believe an increasing dependency is the public mindset that will destroy Liberty in my country…if we give up our original Christ focused, self-reliance mindset in favor of a ruler focused, government reliance mindset. Is not narcissism the opposite of liberty, under any government?

    Narcissists can’t hold the spotlight if the people don’t buy their products…unless / until tyranny pervades. Then despots have their way.

    Kim and Steve, I appreciate your work. I think you offer a true focus for “hope and change” (to properly use a false campaign slogan) for individuals and families.

  33. I can really relate to what Grandma S says about Narcissism and the social media. I have been with my narcissist partner on and off for 3 years. I have been down the hard road with him and now there are quite times and less aggression. While he still claims to be out for himself and he is in a period where he is busy all the time or has stuff to do. If he did have quite times I suspect all his regrets may come to surface. I am waiting tirelessly for his busy time to slow down as I do not hear from him nor does he ring me when he is absorbed. I have noticed that when he is quiet he will get on Facebook and document his life to get his ego fed by the useless people that constantly fill his head with unnecessary things which then I have to pull him down a peg or two. I will only give good feedback when it is due and that he has done wonderful things. It can be tiresome at times as I look back to when I first met him and he was wonderful and then 3 month honeymoon period was over… 2 years of constant abuse and yelling gets you down and now when I stood my ground he comes to a halt and realise that I am not the bad one but the one to be trusted. We do not have sex and it has been a long time with intimacy which I sorely miss. I am at an age where I need to have intimacy and to settle down.
    I feel like I am at the cross road with life… Do I hang around or just move on? P.S I gave up on Prince Charming 3 years ago and what a relief that was 🙂

  34. I enjoyed reading these blogs. I can tell the contributor are ppl who have grown and are growing. One thing though codependence is not ALWAYS the state of the other person. I have an NPD husband and what he says does not affect me anymore I have always been confident in who I am. What puzzled me all these years b4 I knew about the disorder was whether he knew what he was doing is wrong. My main battle right now is when he throws tantrums they are fewer and farther apart but still difficult to deal with and he does NOT say I’m sorry and become sweet, he just waits for things to gradually come back to normal.

    1. Hi Jay and welcome! Codependence is not whether people’s negative comments hurt us or not – because actually it is normal to feel angry if someone disrespects you. Codependence or emotional codependence is when we need someone else to make us happy – or help us recover from emotional upset. It is also about fearing rocking the status quo by being honest about the true state of affairs. With the family of alcoholic this is sometimes called the ‘elephant in the room’ that is right there in front of everyone and yet still no one mentions it as the problem it is in any serious way! As for holding your husband accountable there is an article about that you might be interested in here http://narcissismcured.com/blog/how-to-hold-a-narcissist-accountable/

  35. Hi, Lyndy. I just learned a new term today called “Sexual Anorexia” in an article by Douglas Wise from Heart to Heart Counseling in Colorado Springs, CO (www dot sexaddict dot com). He defines sexual anorexia as “the active, almost compulsive withholding of emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy from the primary partner”. He lists 8 symptoms for the disorder, and from what little you shared (busyness, anger, lack of intimacy, etc), it sounds like he may be struggling with some things. If you are not married/committed yet, I would be very cautious about pursuing the relationship further unless you are up for some very difficult work (as Kim said, though, only you can decide what to do!)

  36. I have to say I enjoyed this article very much. My N use to say his family was like the movie the God Father, and his dad was the God Father, and he was his only son. I never understood this until I met the family and saw how difficult it was to be accepted into “the family”. Thus I learned quickly that N wasn’t just the son of the God Father, but suffered from being the “Prince of the Family” and he could do no wrong. In their eyes, I am a lowly peasant, unworthy for their son. This drama gets played out a lot in our relationship.

    Meanwhile, I have an N who is underneath a good man, but on the surface, he truly believes that he is superior to every one else because that is the non-sense he has been fed all his life. Talk about classic narcissistic behavior. I just wish it didn’t take me four years to figure this out…and start the work so late into this relationship. Thank you for all of the wisdom you share on this site. It is so very much needed!

  37. ‘For Kim Cooper
    Dear Kim,
    My co-inhabitant displays NDP also in the highest degree. I can spot NPD instantly and I am very weary of it, thanks to literature as yours. Thank you very much.
    Bye for now,
    Inga

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