Sitting listening to a late night radio interview with the latest academic philosopher to have authored a book on narcissism, I was struck (once again) with disbelief that neuroscience and emotional intelligence training is still not taught alongside philosophy in school.
The only original idea this author seemed to offer was, ‘Self knowledge and integrity are overrated, because how can we know ourselves (or be true to ourselves) when internally we have such conflicting desires?’ One example he used was that while he desired a monogamous relationship with one woman, there was also part of him that wanted to play the field. He put forward the view that because of these conflicting desires, self knowledge and genuine integrity were not really possible.
I have heard men’s desire to play the field used as an excuse for a lot of bad behavior in my time, but to hear it used as a reason to dismiss self knowledge and integrity as sham is really taking things too far.
“Instead I would say that self knowledge and integrity are the markers of good mental health and a meaningful life.”
Today I would like to share with you my understanding of self knowledge and also talk a little more about men’s desire to play the field.
The Myth: Taste = Self Knowledge
There is a myth in society that tries to define people according to their tastes. Whether a person is a Coke or Pepsi drinker says very little about a them except to define them in very shallow and largely unhelpful ways. This serves consumerism but little else.
Advertisers yearn for brand loyalty but the truth is that people’s tastes change.
For instance I was a smoker for many years, lived in a big city and loved rock music. Now I live by the sea, cannot imagine smoking and listen to very little except for old time jazz. Yet I am the same person and still there is plenty for me to know about myself that will help me live a productive and meaningful life.
When my daughter was in primary school, she came home one day nearly in tears and said, “Mum I get so hungry at school, I can’t stop eating and all the kids laugh at me so much!” I consoled her and explained the reason we don’t have bread or cakes at home is because they turn some people’s ‘hunger switch’ on. So if she didn’t want to get hungry at school all she had to do was avoid bread and cakes at the school canteen.
Two days later she came home smiling and said, “It works! Today my hunger switch finally turned off!”
In this example the self knowledge my daughter needed was how her choices were affecting her desire for food. This is very different than defining someone by their tastes as her classmates had done when they teased her and called her ‘a guts’.
I remember when Steve finally had the realisation that his tastes did not define him or make him a better man. He said “Thinking that your taste in women or booze makes you a connoisseur is only going to see you end up a dirty old man or a drunk!”.
Viewing online pornography habitually for men can be like the ‘hunger switch’ bread was for my daughter, except in this case causing a slippery slope of neurological changes that will eventually lead a man to impotence and depression.
Research these days into brain science offers a wealth of information that show men need to be warned about the dangers of viewing online porn. When men are shown and come to understand the way their brains become rewired when they choose to view an endless selection of sexually attractive women, many will choose to switch away from this pastime and start making healthier choices for themselves.
This type of self knowledge can help make choices that will affect what we desire.
This knowledge is now helping men by the thousands make the choice to turn their back on porn. If your partner has a problem with this there is a page here which is part of the Love Safety Net Love Boat Cruise that you might want to send them and encourage them to subscribe.
Love Part One – Sexual Attraction
The Love Safety Net site does not mention narcissism or abuse and offers a lot of positive relationship advice.
Why Our Desires Don’t Help Us know Ourselves
Neurologically speaking there are at least 2 major reasons we should not use our desires as any kind of basis for self knowledge. These are …
Our Brains are Faulty Simulators:
Numerous research studies have proven that humans are terrible at predicting how things we desire are really going to make us feel; without self knowledge humans will repeatedly choose to do things that turn out different than we expected or make us feel bad.
Our Tendency to Shift Blame:
When things don’t turn out the way we hoped they would, instead of seeing that we made poor choices for ourselves, often we will blame someone else.
Really knowing ourselves is a great prize. In a study with respondents who had lived a long life and described themselves as being content and having satisfaction in their lives more than any other answer, ‘knowing yourself’, was the secret they attributed to their success.
So today I have added a new short article to my members area offering six suggestions for knowing yourself.
Hi Kim and Steve
I just want to let you know how much you have helped me in the last few years since I bought your books. There has been NOBODY else who had any answers for me and professionals have told me to keep away from the father of my children and husband of 18 years; and a Psychiatrist told me to get a good lawyer to keep him away for good. They were all wrong and you are right. If I won the lottery, I would give you a house to help you and your children so that you have no more stress from financial struggles and so you can keep working on and spreading your amazing work. You are both amazing and thank you for your priceless information. Regards, Caroline
Thanks Caroline – So glad we could help you – I remember what it felt like to have no one to turn to and that is what keeps us going!
I would like to ask if you will email this article anonymously if I provide an email address? I am dealing with a classic narcissistic case with a man who has actually come a long way to being a better man, but still has a long way to go… By classic, I mean the false pride, throw you under the bus, drinks daily, used to view porn daily, but anyone listening to him he appears to charm them, but I know they are lies to cover up who he really is… But I have hopes for him. He has said to me a few times in the last year… I don’t want to lose you, no one else would put up with my shit. Well, I’m done, I leaving in a week… Because he’ll continue to drink heavily, continue to shut me out and not talk to me because he is mad at something I said…. Without me maybe he’ll make some changes to better his life. I just hope I have learned that I cannot change him, and i cannot expect him to change, because I only have control over the things I do. Thru all this however I see a little boy who wants to be in a relationship, wants to be loved, but just can’t do it right… He’s 58 and his time is running out… , but so is mine… And I’m done after 7 years of this. Please let me know if you can send an article or two if I provide email address. Thank you!!
Sorry Pam – I cannot do that – If you are planning on leaving anyway how can it hurt to email him the URL to this page? … http://thelovesafetynet.com/Love_Part_1.html – You could say something simple like, “Thought you might enjoy this”. If you are leaving because you are through that is one thing – but don’t hope that this will teach him a lesson and help him change. Most people with NPD fear abandonment and even though they ask for it leaving usually makes their behavior worse. I know people say they can’t change but that was not my experience – I suggest you check out 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence and The Love Safety Net Workbook – and my members area on dealing with verbal abuse if you want to learn how to handle his behavior better. There is no guarentee he will respond to those changes – but you will learn a lot and get stronger and at least you will know you have tried everything 🙂
I read so many stories that are so true to my life and have lived the same life that many are living. I have prayed for a better life and lived with a narcissist for most of my life. I watched, as my husband became addicted to adderall , abused alcohol, and became more emotionally and mentally abusive towards me. He told me who my friends were going to be, what clothes to wear, that all his friends were going to be women, he would only go to sport bars , where the waitress was scantily dressed, and only sit at a table where he could choose his waitress. He always talked to the waitress all night , and would Bragg and invite her to go boating . I finally told myself I was going to get away from him. My self esteem was so abused. I finally moved out. After living on my own, and almost two years have passed , I’m finally realized he’s not ever going to change. That’s who he is. I’m just not ever living that life again. I have a great business , I’m moving on, it’s been hard mentally. Thank god I got away from him. Reading all the post has helped me to keep moving forward.. Now it’s time to finalize the divorce!!
Hi Kim,
I have finally moved out two months ago and am slowly regaining my confidence in me, after 35 years of marriage. The biggest problem I discovered was my husband’s belief I would never leave him, being a good Christian, yet moving out was the only way to get his attention. Every time I tried to discuss anything that wasn’t superficial, he would say ‘it’s hormones’ or ‘why are you making a big deal out of nothing?’ or something similar.
The strange part is I’m beginning to realize how scared I am of him. My first reaction is terror when he walks towards me. He has never hit me but I’ve seen he throw and break things. Now that I’ve moved out he seems more like a little boy who has lost his mother but I only want to get away from him. I have bought the Love Safely Network and am re reading it but I so afraid when he walks towards me. My chest tightens and I feel like I can’t breathe. I freeze and he hugs me. I feel so scared. I have seen him only twice since moving out 2 months ago and this what has happened both times. I’m working on my self esteem and creating boundaries but every time I see him terror seizes me and I freeze. Everything I think I have learned leaves my brain and I freeze. I left my husband a very nice letter telling him I want a healthy marriage and described several physical things that I need to stay in the marriage and encouraged him to seek help from, including from our counselor ( I gave our counselor your info and he was impressed) Please help:)
Hi Mary, I think you really need to decide if you want to stay or leave. Please get a copy of Back From the Looking Glass today and read through it as soon as you can. Not every point will apply to you but some will and will help you stay safe.
Your husband may be harboring a lot of anger about you leaving and so please be careful. You say he seems like a lost little boy but what is beneath that?
Can you start talking to him on the phone or somewhere in public where you feel safer? Then you need to be ready to set boundaries as I describe by calmly ending the conversation if you don’t like where it is going and giving him a time you will call next.
I divorced my narcicistic, alcoholic husband 3 years ago. I saw him to sign on the house, since then, he has called, texted, emailed and sent cards. The best way for me to heal, is no contact. I highly recommend it. I know I will have to see him again when children graduate college or get married, but I pray I will have had time to heal by then. I just do not respond to any of his attempts to contact me. I am so happy that my life is going in the right direction. I wasted 23 years on him to change and he continues to drink, control and manipulate.
Hi Sue – The main point of our site is to help people become stronger and able to deal with their partner in a way that de escalates the conflict. In some cases this can help turn a relationship around – but in some it doesn’t but helps the partner grow strong enough to leave and create a better family relationship (rather than recreating another dysfunctional one). I hope that in time and perhaps with our help you gain the strength to know how to handle your husband when you need to without getting knocked off balance.
Hi Kim,
What is so strange is that in the last 4 years I have gone back to school, earned a degree in Developmental Services (how ironic!) and have the respect of everyone else. I’ve learned how to look over my glasses and say ‘I wont give you a hard time if you don’t give me one’ and watch the person stop and look confused! It’ great! And yet my husband still continues to try to walk all over me.
I have ordered your book and can’t wait until it comes. Thank you so much for your insight:)