War Between Cultures and War Within Families; Narcissism Wreaks Havoc on Human Relationships

 

 

Patriotism, Flag-Waving and the Ugly Narcissism of Nationalism

When I first moved to Australia from the US (where I grew up) in 1977, I was pleasantly surprised to find that Australia was not a flag waving nation. Not that I had disliked anyone personally in the US for their patriotic habits, I guess patriotism was just an easy thing to leave behind and had always put me strangely on edge.

The documentary I have shared above is part 3 in a series and while about the UK and not Australia, I hope it might bring into sharp focus what I want to discuss on a personal level today: which is the devastating effects nationalism can have on the people of a nation.

This documentary covers so many aspects of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (at a national level), that I could write a whole series of articles on this (especially as I am currently tucked safely inside with a cyclone raging around us), but instead I will try and keep this useful and to the point and try not to get too academic 🙂

With these dangers all too clear to me – I shudder to see a very narcissistic patriotism taking hold in Australia, and each annual Australia day weekend the frenzy grows wilder.

So what is the danger?

I will put this as simply as I can …

You see anytime we base our self worth on something we have little control over or which took very little (or no) effort on our part to accomplish, such as;

– Where we were born
– What race we belong to
– What religion we practice
– What sports team we follow
– What family we were born into
– How smart we are
– How good looking we are
– How easily we can charm people

our personal feelings of adequacy will sooner or later give way to doubt.

And then with nothing solid available to tip the scales further in our favor – we may feel compelled to start denigrating the people around us trying to maintain the “buzz” our imagined status gave us.

Pride in our nationality or where we were born then easily (and even naturally) slides into racism, or in the case of religion: self righteousness, or in a sports team: thuggery etc.

And on the downward slide all that ‘could have been’ becomes lost along the way; discipline, productivity and creativity are soon neglected and wither in this static environment of dualism, fear and judgement.

And then to ease our conscience, silence our doubts and cure the nasty after taste left by our ego’s ‘hangover’ – we will start looking for things to praise ourselves for that prove our worth (in our own eyes, if not the eyes of others). The list we turn to now may include a whole host of ‘competitions’ that we may have indeed won by our own merits …

– Getting the best job
– Earning the promotion
– Snagging the most eligible marriage partner
– Winning the competition or game (sporting or otherwise)
– Securing the best land or other local resources
– Cheating our enemies
– Being the most popular
– Finding the best bargains

For pride is a drug and now hooked, we need a regular fix. The trouble is however that our conscience is now really starting to niggle us. Because for every win we score on the competition list above, we can’t totally hide from the fact that there is also a loser.

Desperately needing to keep feeling OK about ourselves we avoid this reality that is right there in front of us. Why should we care about the unemployed guy on the street? Or the slave laborer who worked to produce our latest bargain? We won the game fair and square didn’t we?

Worse still for our peace of mind, just like the cruel design in the movie the Hunger Games, deep down we feel terrified that if we don’t keep on ‘playing’ we may end up sharing the same fate as losers. And this fear, at a very deep and nearly unconscious level, helps us make the decision to block all empathy for them.

And so ‘the game’ continues, in descending and ascending spirals of tyranny, chaos and exploitation. For while the connection to our empathy and conscience remains severed, nothing can save us from inevitable physical, social, moral and spiritual chaos.

And so what is the solution? Must we live a bland life of asceticism just to avoid this conflict in our conscience?

I don’t think that is necessary.

Because a couple of steps to the side and a slight reframe will give you a whole new perspective, including a list of attributes that you can, without guilt, give yourself a pat on the back for.

I dare you to ask yourself …

– Is my interest in others growing?
– Do I listen in conversations better now than I did a few months ago?
– How reactive am I? Am I getting better at seeing when I need to give myself a ‘time out’ and calm down (completely) before I risk ‘acting out’ emotionally towards the people around me?
– Do I crave what is wholesome and good for me? And if not, is this the direction I truly want my life headed in?
– Can I ask for what I need calmly and politely, without aggression, intimidation or emotional manipulation?
– Am I interested and aware of the people around me and their needs instead of just being focused on my own agenda?
– Do I let people finish what they are saying and make sure I understand them before I jump in with my opinion?
– Am I emotionally and financially stable or taking real steps to become so?
– Can I name my emotions easily and understand what they are signally, without needing to provoke other people to act as a vent or soothe me?
– Have I located the source of my own happiness and sense of well being within me without habitually craving the attention of others?
– Do I know my own limitations and feel comfortable about saying, “No” to people when I need to?
– Am I better at any of these things now than I was 6 months ago?
– If not am I ready to start working on them?

You see this list includes the skills that real self esteem is built on; qualities that are all about connection and not competition.

And further you should gauge your performance with these on your own progress rather than by comparing yourself to other people.

Because there will always be people better and worse than you comparing yourself to others is of no use to real progress.

And these ‘people’ skills are not wishy-washy or about being some kind of “good guy loser” either. Quite the opposite they are leadership qualities and skills that are necessary for anyone to achieve excellence above and beyond entry qualification level in their chosen field of work or personal endeavour.

And the best news is that it is never to late to start learning them.

I have just turned 47 and am celebrating the fact that statistically I am at the peak age to be learning emotional intelligence skills the fastest.

And believe me I am still excited and happy to be working hard on my own development in these areas everyday.

Because since I decided to become an expert in the field of emotional intelligence, I never could have guessed how completely my life would change.

No I have not suddenly become wealthy, and am still a few dress sizes larger than I would like to be – but some days I look around and seriously wonder if this life I live now isn’t heaven on earth.

Does everything go my way and does everyone like me now? No – that’s not it either.

I guess the thing is that I am no longer a victim of fate or my own emotions.

I can create situations and atmospheres that I choose, while still being connected and in the moment with the people around me. Before when I tried to create that kind of loving family environment, really what I was creating was just a fantasy that would very easily come crashing down.

Maybe you have experienced that same kind of disappointment?

What is supporting your current sense of self worth? A sense of national pride, or moral, religious or spiritual superiority? If so that’s okay – but please know that the fear you may feel now doesn’t always need to be there.

Just making the decision that you want to start seeing more of the positive in the people around you and learning to be less judgmental and less scared of them, will eventually make that wish a reality in your life.

That is not saying that everyone deserves your interest or trust. But learning that you can say, “No – I think I better get going now”, and walk away with your self esteem intact – without needing to judge or compare yourself, will help lead you to the truth, which is that it is much more important to know that you can trust yourself than anyone else anyway.

If someone does you wrong how will you behave next time? Will you let it tear you apart thinking it means more about you worth as a person than it really does?

If you take the time to get to know (and like) yourself, connecting in a deep and satisfying way with people, no matter their politics, where they were born, or how they do or do not worship God, won’t be so scary or hard to do.