For all the folk who said Sarah Lynn Redden should “JUST LEAVE”
This link shares the story of Sarah Lynn Redden, who after leaving her abusive partner, had the abuse follow her and ended up wrongly being put in jail.
Likewise, I began my writing career when a beautiful woman I knew was murdered (in front of her sons) after starting what was meant to be a new life.
I don’t want to dwell on this subject, because honestly it upsets me too much. All I want to say simply is . . .
Domestic Violence is Not as Easy to Solve as Some People Pretend it to be
If you are in an abusive relationship and start asking for help – you will undoubtably come across people who will treat you as stupid (or wasting everyone’s time) because you don’t, ‘just leave’. But then if you do, or even suggest that you want to; any abuse charges you lay will be treated as suspect and natural part of the ‘war that is divorce’.
Worse, if you have children, people will think you are making up the abuse charges to get custody.
So if you have an abusive partner and need help from the police, as stupid as anyone treats you, I suggest you consider saying you don’t want to leave but that you urgently need help putting an end to your partner’s aggression.
Some police don’t like this. Because honestly they would rather not get involved.
They may say “Well if we take action you will probably just drop the charges.”. Or, “If you make a report we will issue an AVO or put them in jail. Is that what you really want?”
In this case I suggest you say something like, “I hope you can please warn him/her what the result will be if his/her aggression continues and that YOU will be charging him/her if it doesn’t stop.”
Because if you are in an abusive relationship you certainly need to take action, but ‘just leaving’ may cause the violence to escalate.
There are people who will hate me for what I am saying here. People who chant ‘Just Leave’ like a mantra, but this is too important an issue to avoid.
A person who tells you to run from an abusive partner really doesn’t know what they are talking about. It is like telling someone to run from an angry dog. It sounds logical sure, unless of course you know anything about dogs!
So, crazy as it might sound, Steve and I say, “Don’t run!”. Instead we want to teach you to resolve the conflict and hold your ground. And in our story ending the abuse didn’t end our marriage.
Now of course this doesn’t mean everyone in a domestic violent relationship can avoid divorce. That may still be necessary, but really is a different matter. Because leave or stay, the conflict needs to be resolved. If leaving is the best option, it is still going to be much better for you, and especially your kids, if you can resolve the conflict before you go.
We do not pretend that domestic abuse is an easy problem to tackle. Learning leaderships skills to help defuse conflict and emotional/domestic abuse in your home will definitely be challenging. But what are the alternatives? Please think through any advice you get very carefully before you take actions that could put you and your children in danger.
There are Solutions . . .
If you need help (and you haven’t already) please download Back From the Looking Glass 13 Steps to a Peaceful Home, and start putting our 13 steps into action.
Because strange as it may sound – the more dangerous the abuser – the more important it may be that you don’t ‘just leave’. This is not an easy problem and the solution much harder than most people realise.